The Joy Of Rebirth
by Sae Matsumoto
Summary: After the Events of End of Evangelion, there lies a choice. There lies her. There lies him. And their lies the truth shrouded by the lies of man. The Fate of Destruction is the Joy of Rebirth. Read on to find out what fate has been handed to Shinji.
1. There is no other but you

A/N: This is Sae, leaving a message on Nikolai's story. Just so you know, this is not *my* story but rather the work of my talented friend... Nikolai. Also this story is being reposted, it's been slightly revised. Alright then.. enjoy ^_^  
  
There Is No Other But You   
  
It used to be green and blue. There used to be a sky. There used to be a struggle. There used to be others. But now there is only red, black, and her. She was and still is the essence of both my nightmares, and my most sensual of dreams. She was my everything and my nothing. She was Asuka, but now, after what happened, who knows who she is. I see Misato in her. I see Rei. And finally, I can actually see myself. Shinji. I have found you, Shinji.  
  
* * *  
  
I decided not to be one with this God, with this form, with this perfect being. I wanted conflict, I wanted to communicate, I wanted to exist and have others know I exist. I had unfinished business, I had the will to live as me, and I had the power to do so. But as I had decided to separate myself from God, I had in the process, seemingly destroyed the human race with the exception of what appeared to be Asuka.   
  
As I opened my dreadfully swollen eyes I saw the sky, which didn't seem familiar to me at all. It was like Misato's ceiling, completely new to me and in a strange way, sort of intimidating. The only difference was of course that it wasn't only a single unfamiliar room now; it was an entire unfamiliar world. It was bright out, every corner of my eye was full of light, and yet the stars were more clear than I had ever seen them before. I could see countless amounts of stars just like our sun, bursting with light, perhaps with their own little worlds surrounding them. And I thought. How beautiful it is to be me again.  
  
I then sat up, with my eyes wide open for what felt like the first time ever, and examined my surroundings. In front of me there lied an ocean of blood, it's mists spraying ever so gently onto my face. Below me there lie a distinctively white sand and above me a streak of more blood swaying slowly across the sky. Off into the distance was Rei's head and hand sinking and decomposing into the sea of red and land of gray, white, and black. Rei, how sad it was for us to depart. And mother. Mother was—somewhere else now. At first I thought I was alone, the last human, the only survivor of a now quintessentially extinct race. But then I turned to see "her".  
  
She was the spark to the flame of my pain, my insecurity and my ultimate injustice. And she was the last person on earth. I wasn't done yet, she deserved worse than what she got. I'll show her. I'll fucking mutilate her.  
  
I jumped her, straddled her comatose body, and began to choke her. The feeling of killing her felt rewarding and almost gratifying.   
  
And I continued to cry. I cried. I cried like I never have before, I achieved what I wanted in every single way possible, my father now gone and having realized his faults, a proper goodbye to my mother, and an understanding of why people hated me. And being alone like I always wanted. And now Asuka had no choice but to love me, because I was now all she had, but still, I was empty inside. I felt like there was a hole in my heart, a lost part of my soul. It was as if the death of every human had brought about the death of some aspect of myself.   
  
But then out of nowhere Asuka did something completely unlike what she would have normally done. She—caressed me.   
  
"How disgusting." She uttered.  
  
Astonished at this, I jumped back, nearly splashing into the bloody ocean. She rose like the undead from a grave arching her back, lifting her chest up first and then her head. She closed her eyes but then swiftly opened them revealing her stolid stare like that of a predator to its prey.  
  
"After all of this, after everything that has been said to you, after everything that happened, you still cry like the infant you are."  
  
I wiped the tears off my cheek and stood up trying to put myself above her somehow. Contemplating what she was saying, I finally got enough self-assurance to say something I had wanted to say to her for what had felt like the longest time. Now that I had all the time in world. I could now tell her face to face what was really going on inside my head, assuming she already didn't know from being inside Rei.   
  
"You are just as weak as me. And I tried to help you, and I wanted you to help me, but you had to be so goddamn arrogant as to blow me out of the water every time I got close to you! You are afraid, you are afraid of emotion, afraid of everything that could be! You're living in a façade! You are living a lie!"   
  
"So what! What's wrong with living in a fantasy!"  
  
"Everything! I have learned this only recently, but living in a fantasy isn't a substitute for reality! You mustn't run away Asuka!"  
  
I mustn't run away. Rather interesting how what I have been saying all this time finally had impact on someone other than myself.  
  
She then stared at me, and slowly collapsed onto the ground curling into a fetal-like position. She finally gave in; she had finally given up. The tears poured down her cheek. I had done it. I had made her realize what she has done to me, the pain she has given me and how it all reflects her own faults. This was it, my soul now complete…the end of one chapter the beginning of another. Everything from the past few years had finally shaped up and the pieces now all fit perfectly. What as left to do? I had no more pain. It was all gone. What else did I have to do? Awkwardly, I went to comfort her, something I was not very experienced with.  
  
"It's okay Asuka, you have to realize what once were your problems now don't even exist anymore. We are the only ones we've got for each other. This is it!"  
  
I shuffled over to her covered in the white sand covering the beach and put my arms around her patting her back rather apprehensively at first, but then with a welcoming attitude.  
  
"I know it's okay, I know I have no more pain, I know my faults, and I know that I can fix them!" Her crying was getting increasingly stronger. "My life isn't even half way over and now—now, there is no reason to go on. No reason at all! So that the human race can go on? So that we can repopulate the planet? So that we can live in a world where death surrounds us perpetually? Look around you Shinji! Look at what we have done to this planet. In the name of evolution we have destroyed this earth into nothing but a wasteland of blood and burnt forests! We deserve to die. We should have died along with everyone else. I have no more purpose to my life! And neither do you!"  
  
"There is truth in what your saying Asuka, but I don't know, your right, I mean, we look around and we see nothing but a barren wasteland. But…maybe this was the goal of NERV. Look around you Asuka what do you see?"  
  
"I see…I see nothing, no one else, no one but you."  
  
"Exactly, maybe NERV wanted to cleanse this earth of us, us shallow human scum. They wanted us to become the new Adam and Eve, and wanted to start over. But…as you said before…how can we start over if we have destroyed this earth?"  
  
A voice came from the distance.  
  
"How can you start over?"  
  
Shinji recognized the voice. It sounded beautifully familiar. The voice that had comforted him in his times of downfall, and yet the voice that had haunted him in his nightmares. The voice of the only person to ever love him, and that he had ever loved, was an angel, and had only come to destroy mankind.  
  
"Hello Again Shinji."  
  
* * * 


	2. Bursting Seams

Bursting Seams (Collapsing Reality)   
  
"Kaworu!" I screamed.  
  
"What…what on earth is he doing here?" uttered Asuka.  
  
This, this was impossible! I killed him with practically my bare hands. I watched him die! How, how can he be…be here?  
  
"When mankind came into being, who would have thought what this earth would have become."  
  
I could already sense that something was wrong. I could see it in his fiery red eyes. This couldn't be Kaworu.  
  
"What?" I replied hesitantly.  
  
"I'm sure God", he glanced at the deteriorating Rei, "must be laughing with a thunderous roar. Such folly you Lilim have brought. Questions, answers, confusion, and understanding, its all rather amusing isn't it?"  
  
"Kaworu? Wha—What are you saying?" My palms were sweating and my heart was racing quicker than it has ever before.  
  
"Why does one need to evolve? To adapt of course… Now I want you to tell me, what exactly we had to adapt to? What was the purpose of this manipulated evolution? I believe I heard you state something about cleansing the earth?"  
  
"No…you're not—"  
  
"Kaworu? Of course I am! Look at me, I am one hundred percent Kaworu…I am you, I am Rei, I am an angel, I am human, I am the balance in this world. And if Rei is god then that of course means…"  
  
"You can't be Kaworu…Kaworu LOVED ME!"  
  
"Oh, but don't you see? I do love you…I love you with all my genetically engineered heart." He looked intently looked at Asuka. "Which you happened to have ripped out over…and over…and over again."  
  
"The Eva series…was you—No. It can't be. But I saw you…I saw you DIE! If you were piloting the Eva series…then it was YOU who killed me!"  
  
My heart was racing. I could see in front of me the tensions build. I could feel everything breaking down. How could Kaworu both be an angel and a pilot? A pilot of multiple Eva units! What was Asuka going to do to him? In all of this what is this pointless babble he keeps spitting out at Asuka and I. Unless it does have some sort of point…but what could he have meant? What did he mean when he said something about evolution? What the fuck is going on?!   
  
Perhaps you never left her.  
  
Her? What are you talking about? Who's saying that?  
  
God has many tricks and is said to work in many mysterious ways.   
  
What?  
  
What makes reality real if you can't tell the difference between what is real and what is not? Now tell me what makes this so…real yet entirely fabricated?  
  
What? Wait—this isn't right. How are you inside my head?  
  
Do you know what temptation is?  
  
Temptation?!  
  
He was said to come in the form of a snake…  
  
A snake…but…what is—  
  
A knocking at the door  
  
Get out. Go away! You don't belong here.  
  
Do you want to become one with me?  
  
I do, but you're acting so strange!  
  
Do you want to become as one body, one mind?  
  
Please don't do this…  
  
Truth must be faced, although ignorance is bliss, ignorance is also without purpose. And without purpose, what is the point…  
  
What is—  
  
Happening? Nothing and yet everything.  
  
I can't take this anymore. I want to free of this confusion.  
  
Do you?  
  
Yes.  
  
But once you are free…what purpose will your life hold?  
  
I—I…my life…will…  
  
This, is your purpose Shinji. This is your reason for living. When the time comes you will know what to do. The Fate of Destruction is also the Joy of Rebirth.  
  
"No man can fortell his fate"  
  
-Antigone  
  
* * *  
  
Fate  
  
We are the bringers of our own fates; we are the creators of out own destinies. Our "fates" for lack of a better word, are created from our motivations, our ambitions, and most importantly, our dreams and our nightmares. We create our own downfalls, we create our own uprisings, life is not predetermined, and there is no provided fate for everyone. Humans decide their own outcomes. Anything is possible, absolutely anything, the only thing that humans must learn is making the improbable, probable, and making life flow the way they choose too.  
  
* * * 


	3. The less we live

The Less We Live   
  
I found myself standing in front of Kaworu, under some strange sort of spotlight. We were both standing there unclothed and knowing each other fully. He an angel, I a human. Him like Rei, without a soul, me with a soul, but a withering and wilted one. Blackness was everywhere. I could see it. I could sense it, feel it, and I knew it. This was something I hadn't really understood yet. Something that never really made sense to me. This was my heart.  
  
"In order to leave, you of course have to find yourself." Stated Kaworu.  
  
"But I thought I did already. I left her. I thought I knew my heart."  
  
"You thought you knew your heart, but did you really? What did you find of Misato?"  
  
"I found her struggle. I found her attempt at trying to be a mother figure but not being able too."  
  
"From that what did you find?"  
  
"I already had a mother figure."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Rei. My, mother. I then saw her, before she died, we—said goodbye. And as for my father, I somehow have a feeling that he realized what he has done."  
  
The blackness began to fade away slightly, like settling smoke. I could see light make its way through slightly. I could see clearer than before.  
  
"And what about myself?"  
  
"You betrayed me. You stated you loved me and yet you lied to me. You made me kill you. How can someone love someone if they cause that same person to feel such pain?!"  
  
"But I did love you. Although without a soul, I found myself infatuated by you. You, we, Angels, have always looked down upon you Lilim. But then I saw past your flesh and into your soul. I knew you were destined to be someone important. Hence why I have undoubtedly lead you…here. Hence why I made you destroy me."  
  
"Someone important, that's funny."  
  
"See? You have just doubted yourself. Therefore your heart is still not complete."  
  
"I see. But I still don't know what to think of you."  
  
"Then don't think of me. All or nothing. You obviously can't have all, so accept nothing. After all, suffering is desire…"  
  
"I understand."  
  
"Do you think you understand? Or do you know you understand."  
  
"I know I understand."  
  
The black clouds once again diffused and were eaten up by the light.  
  
"Then you have one last thing to deal with…she is calling you Shinji…"  
  
I heard her call and knew what I had to do.  
  
"Will I ever see you again?"  
  
"Yes, for I have a gift to give to you, something you have wanted for awhile now…"  
  
"Then I will see you then…"  
  
I ran off out of the spot light and past the black smoke into a hall of darkness. Still running I could see a point of light at the end. I reached for it with all my strength, with every last ounce of my energy. I could see the darkness behind me and the light in front. Images of her face flashing before me. I then heard her call from the distance.  
  
"Wake up Shinji. You've been sleeping for some time now, a day or two even. I'm not sure what happened. You just sort of collapsed into my arms. Your eyes were shut and refused to open. I heard you scream out his name. Shinji…he is gone. Accept it. I'm all you have now. Help me Shinji…help me."  
  
I heard her voice speak from somewhere beyond. Like a hand pulling me from black waters, I felt her glowing fingertips grasp onto my cold, cold, arms. I saw her face above the water in this fantasy. She was so beautiful. She was so perfect. Keep speaking Asuka! Let me hear your voice. Keep talking like you always do. I have nothing to say! I'll smile and you'll slap me. But I will laugh. You'll be right…and I…I will be wrong. I love you Asuka. Help me Asuka…Help me.  
  
"Shinji. I—I could never be real in front of you. But now—now I can. Shinji, I only hurt you because I was afraid. I was afraid of emotions. It was all my fault Shinji. If only I held you, if only I let you cry. It's okay to cry…I understand that now. The less we speak…"  
  
The less we love. The more we worry…  
  
"The less we live." I uttered.  
  
My eyes, swollen and such opened, like when I first arrived. Confused and lacking a sense of reality.  
  
"Oh Shinji!" She sobbed.  
  
"Asuka…" I muttered.  
  
We then held each other for what felt like an eternity..  
  
"I'm so sorry Shinji. I was…I was so annoying back then. I want to change. And in this place I think I can. With you, and only you, I think I can be real. With you, and only you, we can love each other, so that maybe…maybe we can love ourselves."  
  
She then palmed my cheeks and pulled me in for a kiss. Her lips were soft and welcoming. I put my hand around her neck and lightly touched her hair using my other hand to hold hers. This was love, something I was all to unfamiliar with. It felt good. It felt new. This was what I needed! I needed love. And here it was in all of its glory. We then pulled away from each other. I looked into her eyes. They seemed different though…they seemed like Misato's…and…and Rei's. They were a faint grayish brown. Although it was indeed strange I simply just blocked it out and closed my eyes.  
  
I then removed her bandages and slipped off her plug suit. My heart was racing. I had never been with anyone like this before. The experience was almost overwhelming but it felt surreal and absolutely pleasurable. As she removed herself from the suit I unzipped my trousers and carressed her shoulders up to her neck and then face. Now open to each other we began to finally know each other. I felt myself inside of her and I felt as if I was in Rei once more. I felt as if I was one with her. The feeling was strange and yet I felt life bursting throughout me touching every corner of my body. She screamed into the skies as our bodies were bursting with energy and then suddenly ecstasy consumed every single crevice of my being. This was love. And it felt so good. I began heaving profusely as I began to feel the lustful sensuality consume me. And then all of the sudden, another set of hands began to gratify me.  
  
"Hello Shinji." Kaworu softly spoke.  
  
"Huh—"  
  
"Is this what you wanted?"  
  
"Yes, oh sweet god yes this is what I want!"  
  
As I, being on top of Asuka, still inside of her, was nearing the end of my endeavors, I felt his hands along my hips and I felt himself reach deep inside of me. His hands were soft and giving and they made there way to my front and began touching and caressing me. I then sighed with a pleasurable tone and looked behind me.  
  
"Yes, Kaworu, yes."  
  
"Shinji…Shinji?!" She exclaimed after she climaxed.  
  
"Kaworu!"  
  
"Who are you talking to?!"  
  
***  
  
The Perfect Drug – Nine Inch Nails  
  
I got my head but my head is unraveling  
  
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling  
  
I got my heart but my heart's no good  
  
you're the only one that's understood  
  
I come along but I don't know where you're taking me  
  
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me  
  
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky  
  
the more I give to you the more I die  
  
and I want you  
  
you are the perfect drug  
  
the perfect drug  
  
the perfect drug  
  
the perfect drug  
  
you make me hard when i'm all soft inside  
  
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed  
  
the arrow goes straight through my heart  
  
without you everything just falls apart  
  
my blood just wants to say hello to you  
  
my fear is warm to get inside of you  
  
my soul is so afraid to realize  
  
how every little bit is left of me  
  
take me with you  
  
without you everything just falls apart  
  
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces  
  
*** 


	4. A FabricationThe Walls of My Heart Undon...

A Fabrication: The Walls of My Heart Undone   
  
"What?"   
  
I turned around to find that no one was there. And although the more we worry the less we live, this was something that appeared to be screwing with my head, so undoubtedly, worrying was inescapable.  
  
I then turned back to see Asuka, dampened with a layer of sweat. She looked confused and almost vulnerable. I removed myself from her and drew myself backwards onto the ground, I too, heat ridden, was just as confused as she was.  
  
"You…you called his name. You called his name!" She cried out.  
  
"I-I'm sorry Asuka! Something strange is happening! My mind hasn't been right. After Third Impact nothing has been right!"  
  
I hysterically burst into tears. It felt all too familiar to me. It was as if I wasn't in control of my own mind. It was as if this brave new world wasn't even real. It was as if…I was even perhaps…  
  
* * *  
  
Where did my happiness lie? I knew it was there, I just didn't know where to find it. Was my happiness with Asuka, or Kaworu? Or…neither.  
  
It was the following day. Asuka and I didn't seem to communicate all that much. We had grown tired; sleepless, and ill, without nourishment. It was as if we would die yet again. I was out walking along the beach, away from Asuka, where I could be alone for awhile. The sun was shimmering as was the stars. They were both out at the same time of course, something I had still yet to adjust too. I looked down unto the thick sea of LCL. Crouching down I put my hand onto it, and swirled my finger around. It felt warm and gave me an eerie sensation on the tips of my fingers, it was as if millions of fish had been nudging into my hand. Looking around I saw various tree stumps sticking out of the ground. It looked as if a massive fire had gone through and all that was left was a bunch of splinters in the Earth's surface. The branches had been singed into unevenly placed twigs, putridly black and rather ashy looking. stood up shaking the blood off of my hand and taking a moment to examine. The ground had turned from gold and green to gray and white. The beach was almost a heavenly glowing white but soon once the beach began to change into normal patches of land all that remained were gray and black rocks, sitting on a ground of gravel and dirt. Walking up to one of these "trees", I found Misato's cross nailed firmly into the side of it. I caressed it with a gentle touch. Misato. I missed her antics. I missed her smile. And that kiss. It was, all too much for me to deal with at the time. It was my choice to be here. And I did it on my own. I made this world. This, brave new world, was all from my head. My reality was the result of my thoughts and actions.  
  
Her final words now rang true more than ever. I now, although not soon enough, fully understood what she was saying about making the right choices, and independence.  
  
But once again, something didn't seem right. How could Misato's necklace be nailed to a tree, if either me or Asuka didn't put it there. Rei surely couldn't have, and Kaworu was apparently in my head.   
  
Suddenly, it all then began to come together. Asuka's strange bandages and the color of her eyes. Misato's cross. The disturbing images of Kaworu. It then struck me. It was justified. It made perfect sense.   
  
I was still inside of Rei.   
  
This was my fabricated reality, this was my fantasy, my substitute for reality. It all made sense. At last it all made sense. I never left Rei, because, I still didn't fully understand myself I still didn't find my happiness. Everything that appeared before me, were still issues that I had to deal with. I had to find the walls of my heart. So that once again, I could be pure.  
  
Reality is what I make of it, so I wanted things to be the way they were, the way they should be. I will go back to the way it used to be. When I could actually fucking smile. I couldn't leave Rei, even if I tried, even if I did know the boundaries, the walls of my heart. I couldn't.  
  
"Life…is what you make of it."  
  
It was Rei, her gentle voice speaking into my ear.  
  
"If that's true, I want it all back."  
  
"What do you want back?"  
  
"My life, and this time I want it the way it should be. I want to learn where my happiness lies, I want to know how I can separate the walls of my heart and become me again. And if I do, I want you to release me, and everyone else trapped in here. Evolution is to not be manufactured, man, is not to play the role of god, and this earth, is not to be scarred and burnt."  
  
"If that is what you wish."  
  
A bright light consumed me as I closed my eyes. A familiar fog came over me and then it came to my attention, whilst opening my eyes, that the new world was coming undone, being deleted from my mind and disappearing into the abyss of my subconscious.   
  
"Shinji…"  
  
I reached my hand out to the stars. I could feel it, I could see it, and it was just beyond my fingertips.  
  
"Shinji."  
  
I opened my eyes, and saw light pass before me.  
  
"Shinji!"   
  
Never say goodbye. It's just too sad...  
  
"In harmony with cosmic sea, true love needs no company. It can cure the soul, it can make it whole, if dogs run free." - Bob Dylan, If Dogs Run Free  
  
* * * 


	5. Redemption

Note to all readers all chapters prior to Redemption have been REVISED....with fixed grammical errors and more Shinji-Goodness. I expanded a BUNCH of parts so check it out and r&r thanks!   
  
p.s. sorry it took so long to put up the next chapter! -nikolai  
  
Redemption  
  
I was…under the stairs, after I had done Asuka wrong.  
  
"I must get to Eva!"  
  
I then got up and ran quicker than a bolt of lightening through the corridors in attempt to find the Hangar. Upon getting there I slammed into Misato.  
  
"Shinji! You have to get to Eva now! Asuka is out there already fighting the rest of the Eva series!"  
  
"I know. We have to go as fast as possible!" She looked at me strangely, and smiled faintly. She knew that I knew what had to be done.   
  
We drove through the Eva graveyard and she told me the "truth" that I already had known regarding the Evas the angels and mankind's relationship to both. I nodded, and almost humorously attempted to look interested, but all that was on my mind was saving Asuka, perhaps even saving Misato from the stray bullet and finally confronting Lilith and/or Rei, depending on whether or not they have united yet. My father has it coming to him already so he was not really on my mind. All this time I had screamed to myself that I mustn't run away. This time is no different. But now and only now do I realize that I cannot run away. Nor will I run away. I will stand my ground.  
  
We arrived at the entrance to the Hangar, hopefully the bakelite hadn't fully dried yet was what was running through my mind. We had entered the elevator room. This is when Misato should have been shot. But of course because I wasn't slowing her down, the invading forces hadn't reached our position yet and therefore, that stray bullet never even left the barrel of the gun that shot at her. Upon standing in front of the door I then began to speak.  
  
"I already know what you are going to say. For I have seen things that you haven't yet. I want you to know Misato, that even though it was difficult for you to be a mother to me. You did a good enough job. Thank you Misato."  
  
"Shinji…"  
  
She then gave me a warm motherly hug.   
  
"Now Shinji, go do what you have to. And please Shinji, don't give up."  
  
"This time…I won't."  
  
"This time—?"  
  
The opened to the elevator and I ran in. I then yelled for her to run back to the Control room. She nodded, smiled, and the doors closed abruptly. There should have been blood from her kiss. But this time. This time was different. The elevator was taking its time getting to the Hangar. Over the speaker I heard Asuka scream something about her Umbilical Cable being dismantled from her Eva.  
  
Upon arrival of the hangar I ran onto the drying bakelite, and stumbled onto the Eva's shoulders. The tough part then came into view. How was I supposed to get to Eva? Last time, it was merely Mother awakening the full potential of the A.T. Field. Then as if on cue, Eva Unit 01's plug dispatched from its head, allowing me to enter it by climbing up its neck.   
  
"Thank you mother. Now…lets get the hell out of here!"  
  
An explosion of light then destroyed the Hangar as Eva and I were shot up out of the ground and above Nerve headquarters.   
  
"It's not time to be crucified yet. This time I fight."  
  
I saw Asuka destroying each of the Evas but I knew that they were still alive due to their dummy plugs. Little known by anyone other than the members of SEELE, Kaworu was alive inside of each of them. And I had to destroy it. Asuka's speaker than blurted out into the cockpit of Unit 01.  
  
"God they're persistent! But I can handle them… ugh! That idiot Shinji is nowhere to be found!"  
  
"Right here Asuka!"  
  
I leaped out of the ground almost flying over unit 02.  
  
"Shinji! There you are! Were the hell were you?"  
  
"Sorting out a few things…listen, Asuka, they are equipped the Lance of Longinus! You have to be careful. I'll back you up."  
  
"How do you know that—"  
  
"Asuka there is no time! Third Impact is about to take place!"  
  
"Third impact.."  
  
As it clicked into her head, those two dreadful words, she then ceased talking and pummeled the closest Eva. I backed her up continuing to destroy the following opposition. It was then had believed to destroyed the Eva, when expectedly, the completed Eva series began to awaken from their bloody heaps.  
  
"The Eva Series, they're getting back up!" Shrieked Asuka.  
  
"I know, and you're about to see those lances that I was talking about."  
  
There was something else that I kept forgetting about. The lance. Something about the lance. These lances were copies. The real one was… It then appeared in my memory. "The lance of Longinus returned…fruit of life—fruit of wisdom—"  
  
"Incoming!" I yelled.  
  
As the Eva series awakened with they're now newly formed lances, something then almost at the speed of light shot down from the heavens. I leaped up and grabbed it, twirled it and upon landing stabbed an Eva through the S2 Engine.  
  
"That's it! Get the lances and use them against them! Strike their S2 Engines!"   
  
"Got it." Affirmed Asuka.  
  
We then leaped from Eva to Eva battling them with as much force as we possibly could. They struck us down a few times but we managed to get ourselves up, steal the lances from them, and use them against the series.   
  
"This is the last one!" I screamed as I jumped with the lance and shoved it directly into the engine. All of the Evas then went silent. A voice came onto the intercom. It was Misato.  
  
"Shinji! Asuka! You did it! The Eva's are destroyed. Now Third impact can't take place!"  
  
I could here cheering in the background. Asuka then put on the private intercom.  
  
"Shinji, you did it. Thanks for the help! It was much appreciated."  
  
"No problem Asuka, I'm here for you. In fact any time you need help of any kind I'll always be here."  
  
"…Same to you."  
  
What I had wanted to hear for the longest time had finally been uttered. She then went on speaking.  
  
"Listen, Shinji I know I can e annoying and I know I might have seemed to hate you but…I realize how unkind I was being…and I'd like to make it up to you."  
  
I gulped.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Shinji—all this time I—"  
  
The main intercom turned on seemingly accidentally.  
  
"Angel!"  
  
"No—It's human!"  
  
"Shinji!" screamed Misato "Rei merged with Lilith! It's heading you're way!"  
  
Suddenly a bright light began to rise from beneath unit 01 and 02's feet. We both ran in fright from Rei, who had risen from the Egg of Lilith.  
  
"But Third Impact can't happen! Right?"  
  
"Wrong, it still has a chance to take place, but…what…what am I going to do?"  
  
The Intercom turned on once more. "Shinji, You must use the Lance of Longinus, to prevent her from growing!"  
  
"How can third impact still take place?! The Evas have been obliterated!"  
  
"Those Eva's weren't important. It was Unit 01 that was. If Rei gets the lance, she still has a chance to merge it with Unit 01…and if that happens, The Instrumentality Project plan will succeed, mankind will fuse together in order to institute the next form of evolution for man, And the word 'we' will be no more."  
  
"Not on my watch…"  
  
I then ran to the tenth Lance of Longinus stuck in the ground. It had not been used because there had only been nine Eva Series Units. My Eva caught the attention of Rei who also was in need of the lance. She began to seemingly float, casually if not without emotion towards it in order to merge it with me. There was an equal distance between us. We both had the same objective. The only question now was who was going to get it.  
  
* * *  
  
Come, Sweet Death  
  
I know, I know I've let you down  
  
I've been a fool to myself  
  
I thought that I could live for no one else  
  
But now through all the hurt and pain  
  
It's time for me to respect  
  
The ones you love mean more than anything  
  
So, with sadness in my heart  
  
Feel the best thing that I could do  
  
Is end it all and leave forever  
  
What's done is done it feels so bad  
  
What once was happy now is sad  
  
I'll never love again  
  
My world is ending  
  
I wish that I could turn back time  
  
Cos now the guilt is all mine  
  
Can't live without  
  
The trust from those you love  
  
I know we can't forget the past  
  
You can't forget love and pride  
  
Because of that, it's killing me inside  
  
It all returns to nothing  
  
It all comes tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down  
  
It all returns to nothing  
  
I just keep letting me down, letting me down, letting me down  
  
In my heart of hearts  
  
I know that I could never love again  
  
I've lost everything, everything  
  
Everything that matters to me  
  
Matters in this world  
  
I wish that I could turn back time  
  
Cos now the guilt is all mine  
  
Can't live without the trust from those you love  
  
I know we can't forget the past  
  
You can't forget love and pride  
  
Because of that, it's killing me inside  
  
It all returns to nothing  
  
It just keeps tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down  
  
It all returns to nothing  
  
I just keep letting me down, letting me down, letting me down  
  
It all returns to nothing  
  
It just keeps tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down  
  
It all returns to nothing  
  
I just keep letting me down, letting me down, letting me down  
  
* * * 


	6. Essays

Essays Regarding the Philosophy and the Psychology of Neon Genesis Evangelion  
  
Before the story is concluded I would like to share with you, the reader, several essays written on the philosophies discussed within the final two episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion, Death and Rebirth, and The End of Evangelion. Originally, these essays were written by me and published as a freelance booklet entitled "Self-Righteous Rants". Upon looking at them from an Evangelion point of view, one can find the parallels between what is written here and what happens philosophically and/or psychologically throughout the series and the movies. It would immensely be appreciated for some feedback. Thanks in advance and enjoy. -Nikolai  
  
P.S. The end is near.  
  
A. IDENTIFYING REALITY  
  
1. FREEDOM AND SECURITY  
  
The edge of a great divide that pushes forth the limitations that consume our lives and give us constriction, also prevent us from absolute abstractions, or abstract ideas. This is the point at which removal is needed and yet without these boundaries security does not exist. However, almost instantaneously, the removal of these boundaries could also speculatively bring about a point where mind and body can achieve boundless possibilities in which existence is the epitome of complete freedom. But of course, this is impossible to achieve due to the fact that mankind yearns for security, which goes without saying, immediately removes certain aspects of freedom and can even be viewed as the yin to freedom's yang. One pulls, the other pushes, one cannot exist without the other and yet both are opposites, such as a man and a woman. This is what we humans would call a symbiotic relationship. Although freedom would indeed be a gratifying experience, I believe that security is nothing more than a simple "reality check" for mankind. Man seeks perfection. Man dreams of perfection. And yet if that perfection were ever achieved, man would be obsolete. Hence security. Security is the boundary   
  
2. HAPPINESS  
  
It's so warm outside. It, for one reason or another, soothes me and for the period of time that I am outside I feel complete and loved. Whether I feel loved by nature, the world around me, or by the people I am with, I do not know, but that isn't important, all that's important is that I am happy. The pinnacle of human subsistence, where humans feel absolute, and at their closest to being that of god during their waking-lives, is euphoria, so if someone reaches this, they have removed their humanly urges and/or anything that produces negativity from their system. And right now I feel euphoric, absolutely euphoric, I have so much weight off my back, I have no worries, and it's so fucking beautiful. And for one reason or another I felt the need to rant about it. For once I don't care if anyone has something bad to say and nor do I care about who hears what. I am happy and reassured that I am me, the world is here to support my being, and it is so fucking great.  
  
3. PAIN  
  
When we experience something negative, something that goes against our wishes, we experience the unsatisfying truth. We experience the truth that we wish not to see for we would rather have things go our way, such as the way that goes in our utmost fantasies and dreams of empowerment, along with the reaching of some goal or point of nirvana/euphoria. Pain gives us a slap in the face and tells us that our fantasies are not substitutes for reality. The truth hurts and we have to suck it up and deal with it, whether we like it our not. This is one of the purposes of pain. Pain also has another purpose though. If pain did not exist, there would be no such thing as happiness, for there would be no opposites, and that emotional spectrum would be non-existent. For example, if pain did not exist, you wouldn't be able to tell whether or not sex felt better than receiving an injury or even dying, and even further if sex didn't feel good, would we still want to have sex? Would we still feel the need to procreate? Thus pain exists so that happiness can exist, and visa versa.  
  
4. DREAMS  
  
Amidst an alternate reality of illogic, I journey… The moon filled half of the sky, and yet that sky still remained as ominous as usual, perhaps even darker than before. The aqueduct was treeless and practically non-existent. Balloons, hundreds of them, were tightly clustered in the night sky and from my perspective, they appeared in the bottom-right corner of the moon. They were then released in an almost ritualistic fashion, as if part of a ceremony. I stood there, in awe of the beauty of such chaos in the sky, and then I looked forward, and continued, to face the uncertainty handed to me.  
  
5. RELATIONSHIPS  
  
Why do people surround themselves with friends, even if each and every one of those people aren't people you necessarily like to be with, or don't find comfort in being with? Yes there are good people out there and yes some of those good people are my friends, but then there are some that I don't even know why I bother. Does being surrounded by other people give you insight into who you are? Does surrounding one with others give that person an identity and means to justify that ones very own existence? Do we find our true selves, the true facets to our persona in other people? Perhaps each person that exists is a mirror. Reflecting images of the persona back and forth to each other might just be the reason why the world does not consist of one ever-living form of life, but rather, billions and trillions of short-lived species. Even stranger, perhaps we are all like pieces of a formerly one, shattered mirror. Light reflects off of one shard and onto another creating complexity and relationships. If this were to be the case, this would justify individuality in the way that no two shards are the same. So maybe this is why one has "friends", even ones they don't even like. This also gives answer to the statement "I don't even know why I hang out with him (or her)!" That person hangs out with him (or her) because he (or she) is a necessary facet to his (or her) personality. This also might give an explanation to the loss of a friend. Maybe when one loses a friend, they lose an aspect of their personality. Opposite that, if one gains a friend, they gain a new aspect of their personality. It appears that having other conscious life around you justifies your existence, that your full self is created via that person's environment. If no one else existed (going back to the ever-living form of life) except one living thing that had the ability of conscience, how would that thing justify its very own existence? Without a mirror, it would not view itself; therefore its own means of viewing the fact that it exists would be through its own senses. And this of course is uncertain. One's senses can be very different from another's senses (hence uniqueness and individuality) and that is why no one will ever be able to realize absolute truth. But that's a whole other story…  
  
6. PERCEPTION/SENSES  
  
I am holding the pen that I am writing with. I can feel it's texture, I can see its colors, and I can hear the movement of the pen across the page. I control the movement of the pen via my hand. The pen exists because I sense it exists. But what if my senses are wrong or misinterpreted? If this were true, then that would mean that every single conscious being that existed, exists, or will exist, has a different perspective of existence. Example: I see that on my desk lies a black lamp. To me, the lamp is black. But, if everyone has a different perspective of existence, then who is to say that what we all see is different in shade and color? "Black" is a word, a label, created to identify an existent thing. Therefore, an actual identification of absolute truth is impossible.  
  
7. MEMORY  
  
It just appeared in my mind; it was as if a giant light bulb had just turned on. Memories always return to me, as to everyone else, sometimes when linking the most unrelated of thoughts, or when simply being asked whether or not I remember a certain event that I supposedly took place in. These memories, for one reason or another, justify my own existence and do so even further when someone else remembers something that I had previously been involved with. It gives me the sense of security because then I know I exist, because others sense I exist. On a more abstract and stranger note, perhaps I could be like the theoretical brain in the vat, sensing because I am told to sense it, or because of the electrical impulses being sent to make me see the world we perceive, perhaps my memories are false and I had another forgotten life. This is possible because there is no way to disprove the theory and yet it is improbable because of its unrealistic ideas. Memory can certainly be categorized one of the more uncertain of human qualities because of its fallible nature.  
  
B. THOUGHTS  
  
I. POSSIBILITIES AND UNCERTAINTIES REGARDING DREAMS  
  
Reality is, quite possibly, absolutely nothing but a memory, or a dream, rather, of our former existing selves. A dream can last up to three seconds in real-time, however, this can feel like hours upon hours, or even the span of entire day in dreamtime. Now if this is legitimate, reliable, information, then try and comprehend this: after one dies, the last part of the body to shut down is the brain. And this can take from six to twelve minutes to do. So theoretically, those six to twelve minutes can actually be a reenactment of your life, a gigantic, lucid dream, that is so real we are convinced it is true. For all I know I am long dead and this existence is nothing but a memory of my past, or even further, that I am simply a "dream character" in someone else's past, and the second me knowing of that person ends, I am blinked out of existence. Or is it that my new existence begins? Life in general is an extremely funny thing…It tosses you an endless amount of questions, theory upon theory, law upon law, and label upon label, all to give you only but a few, solid, absolute truths.   
  
II. ABSTRACT IDEAS REGARDING TRUTH  
  
We lie within ourselves. And ourselves lie within us. It allows for human perception. Creating a personal universe and alternate universes, along with reality upon reality, this gives us the ability of decision, choice, logic, independence, and the power to change our surroundings, along with a power to change the people around us. The self within the self allows for self-control. And power, a very large tool of change, is a key in human society. As much as one might want freedom and equality, it will never be achieved. As long as there is an opposing thought (another set of realities) one can never achieve the full expression of ones true self. It is opinion which creates our social selves. Opinion hinders self-expression and yet opinion is necessary for change, thus complete freedom is an impossible thought. Equality too, is an impossible thing, for opinion of one another creates difference which can lead to the barbaric emotion of hate. At this complicated, negative, rate, why does existence bother existing? Life, although full of negativity, it is also full of happiness. But why does existence decide happiness is a good thing? Existence doesn't. Human opinion rubs off onto other humans. We are told what is good and what is bad. So is it possible to believe all emotion is actually good? Even pain? But then what is good? What is bad? And who decides? Is it god? Is it the self within? Who is the self within? And all I want is freedom. What is freedom? And yet another chain of unanswerable questions lies in front of us.  
  
III. EVOLUTION  
  
The purpose of life is to improve future generations from past experiences and return to the life from which we came along with trying to decrease the difficulties of living. By being happy and enjoying life, you accept the facts, no matter how brutal they may seem, and embrace life for what it is thus removing any forms of negativity. We can never be sure what lies next in the cycle of life so it's best not to worry about anything that seems uncertain and collectively grasp what solid truths we have. All we can do for now is simply just hope that life can continue and prosper and that existence remains existing, even if we don't know why. For if we ask questions, and were to be answered, with our nature we would simply ask more questions and this would lead us into a cycle of doubt. All of this is why I believe we humans, have missed the chance to prosper and unite with nature. We have already begun that cycle of doubt and our inquisitive nature just yearns to keep traveling for impossible truths. So unfortunately, the only thing we can do now is simply, do what we feel we need to do, and hope that we are given another chance to prosper, because otherwise we are simply going to exterminate ourselves and the life around us, which we can only hope will never happen.  
  
* * * 


	7. The Joy of Rebirth

The Joy Of Rebirth  
  
To my utter horror we both lay hands on it grabbing it with a stern strength to be reckoned with. I looked into her deep red eyes and inside I saw mother, Kaworu, and my father. Eyes locked and a heaving groan of frustration let out, from mainly myself, my palms became increasingly sweaty and my body became weak with the overexertion of strength. Letting out a guttural scream I saw as Asuka flew over my head, angelic and graceful, using her A.T. Field to push Rei back. While Rei was stunned Asuka helped pull the lance from her grip. Now with both of our hands on it we ran the lance into Rei's chest. She let out a yelp of pain and looked at us with an almost innocent yet ignorant expression. It was as if she was unsure and completely oblivious to the world around her. The then leaned back and then went silent and immobile. Collapsing onto the ground her eyes fluttered slightly and her arms fell to the ground as if she were nailed to a cross. A familiar image of Lilith.  
  
I stood there in Unit 01 heaving and gasping fro breath, staring intently at her. The intercom was on the entire time but I never took it into full account. I heard cheers and screams of success from the other side. From this a strange emotion seeped through me like a pleasant chill down my spine.   
  
Now without the guilt and the pain, I learned finally how to, instead of hating myself, be proud of myself, and actually have some esteem and confidence. It felt good. It was something that I had never really experienced and was essentially deprived of. No man on Earth should be deprived of the feeling. It was then that I had felt something even stranger and more obscure than anything I had ever felt before. Wholeness. It was invigorating and almost sensual. It felt as good as way before when I strangled the comatose Asuka. It just felt as if weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and I released my frustrations.  
  
I still staring intently at Rei from the perspective of her feet, walked slowly and cautiously along the side of her. Upon being parallel to her shoulders I saw her face staring up into the sky. I sighed a strong sigh and gave out a tear. Rei's head then suddenly looked directly at me and said in a pale and dying voice…  
  
"If that is what you wish, you will be granted it."  
  
The walls of my heart were complete. Everything I have ever wanted, Every problem I have ever had, was now gone. And I finally had learned to love myself. I looked over at Unit 02. Watching as blinding light engulfed the landscape and as a warm feeling overcame me, I noticed the sky brighten up and almost pull the environment out of focus and into a blurry prism-like reality...  
  
"Asuka…"  
  
* * *  
  
It was dark at first, but little by little I felt something cover me. I actually felt something. At first, only black existed with sounds asunder and the feeling of being weightless. The black then turned into a blurriness but eventually I could make out a skin tone in front of me. Looking forth, my eyes focused on the skin tone and it became apparent that it was a gently formed chest of a man. The illumination of this chest was red tinted as light was coming through layers and layers of skin. I pulled myself against the body in front of me to find several others forming along him. Body after body forming from this skin I struck my hand out trying to escape. My hands then reached out of Rei's fingertips and I pulled myself out of her grasp.   
  
Whilst falling into the L.C.L., I watched as Rei's body began to tighten with forms of bodies coming into sight all over her. It was as if all of the air inside of Rei was being sucked out and her skin was conforming to the human bodies that lay within her. Hands jutted out and heads became visible all over her hips, thighs, torso and various other extremities. People then completely unattached themselves and began falling from Rei's body, as Rei's body was in essence becoming no more, for now everyone was becoming restored.   
  
The black moon exploded releasing the L.C.L. across the globe. The death of such energy did not go unnoticed for as Rei fell apart, Unit 01 (fused with The Lance) released its energy unto the Earth. A sonic burst of sound echoed throughout the universe as white light expanded forth from above Rei. Through some strange fusion, the spreading L.C.L., and the shockwave of energy held from the God known as unit 01 had caused an unusual reaction. From this fusion, familiar shapes arose. Trees, plants, animals, grass; all had been restored to its original state. I watched as color bloomed in the distance and green spiraled out of what was formally nothing. The dilapidated, destroyed buildings, and dark black mountains were enveloped with lush garden-like vegetation as all of the former splinters on the Earth's surface had grown leaves.   
  
Floating in the blood of Lilith, the primordial soup of life, I noticed that the red L.C.L. began to turn clear. The L.C.L. was turning into water. The diffusion of the blood to water caused steam to rise up into the sky. This atmosphere developed into a gorgeous, intense blue, over the surface of the earth. From what I could tell, the Earth had once again restored its former glory. It was as if the earth rebooted itself to where it came from. It was truly a new genesis for mankind.  
  
Mankind, a race a separate and flawed individuals, then began to rise from the waters and crawl on to the land. The image was indeed strange. It looked as if the seas were overcome with people and as if they were overflowing with life. The people were almost being splashed out of the seas and on to land. The beaches were a golden glimmering color and past that a lush green interspersed with various spots of color could be seen. "Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live…"  
  
I crawled onto the beach, stark naked like everyone else and looked around for any sign of a familiar face. I then noticed Aoba in the distance.   
  
"Aoba!"  
  
"Shinji!"  
  
"You did it Shinji! You saved us all!"  
  
Those words alone caused my heart to race with utter excitement, for that was the greatest remark anyone could have ever received. And that remark was guided surprisingly, towards me. I didn't know what to think of it. All I knew was that I wanted to see more familiar faces.  
  
"I...I did. But what about Misato, Asuka, what about my father?"  
  
All of the sudden Commander Fuyutski appeared out of a large group of people emerging from the waters. Already a few feet from us he had heard our conversation.  
  
"They, wont be coming back…they died before Third Impact, therefore they couldn't have transformed into Lilith…"  
  
"Asuka…" I sighed with a saddened tone.   
  
I would never be seeing her again. Poor Asuka, how I missed her. If only she lasted so much longer. If only I could have saved her. But I have to look past that. I will not revert into the same damned groveling Shinji that I always was. I was reborn. And with that I am new again to reshape myself, my identity. There will be a tomorrow.  
  
"Be grateful Shinji that you're alive." Ibuki then stated.  
  
"Ibuki!" Yelled Aoba.  
  
"So what happens now?" I asked.  
  
"Even that is beyond me." Stated Fuyutski  
  
"Asuka, and Misato…and—" I uttered whilst thinking to myself about various things that recently occurred.  
  
"Listen Shinji, if it means anything to you I'm sure if they were here right now they would be saying this…" Said Fuyutski.  
  
He stuck out his hand and I grasped mine. He shook my hand whole-heartedly and with a sincere expression on his face.  
  
"Congratulations."  
  
It was once again, green and blue. The sky had returned. There was now a struggle. And finally I can see myself. Shinji. I have found you, Shinji.  
  
"As far as gods and Heav'nly essences  
  
Can perish: for the mind and spirit remains  
  
Invincible"  
  
-John Milton, Paradise Lost  
  
End  
  
* * * 


End file.
